I'm not lying, my camera is possessed!

last night at about 4am, I awoke to hear the familiar sound of my camera zooming and the beepiddy-beep noise it makes when it turns on... I presumed it was just part of a dream... but then... again camera turns on beepiddy-beep BWAAAAH! I found it on the floor with "date and time not set" on it... tried to turn it off, IT WOULDN'T TURN OFF! (note to everyone, this is the kind of think that scares the bejeebus out of me for some reason...) uuugh... devil camera I'm tellin ya...

Anyway, so after ripping the batteries out and chucking it across the room, back to sleep I went.

I've noticed a real pattern in my dreams lately, for the last few nights I have been flying really high over the country, I'm sort of happy, sort of scared... but its interesting if it has any meaning in relation to whats going on in my life at the moment.

Which got me thinking. These days I really feel like I'm finally starting to make a breakthrough with my art, I feel I'm doing what I really want, and the pieces I'm coming out with are nearly exactly as I imagine them. It's interesting to see how I've changed over the years, My subject matter and general drive in art has taken a turn. I used to love creating pieces that were highly embellished, full of jewels and pretty detail, but these days I've become more interested in colour, form, and the atmosphere of a piece, I sort of want to create an image that you can well and truly feel as if you were there, you can hear the sounds, smell the smells and feel how cold or warm it is just by looking at it. And to be honest, I'm really happy with that.

The only thing that gets me down is that not many else seems to agree. Most of my watchers on deviantART really dont want to know, I suppose they originally watched me for my old style of work, which I'm afraid I've grown out of, but that, unfortunately, means I'm on my own for now. I'm surprised at how much it's hurting me... I usually don't care what people think, but it feels like I put in so much love and hard work into my stuff, and its not even worth a comment.

I had been pondering leaving deviantART for a while now, I think, originally, it really encouraged me to work hard to make people say "wow!" but now that that praise has pretty much ground to a halt, I think It's probably time to move on, rather than work of the praise of others, I can get back to the way I was before I even knew what the internet was! when I spent hours and hours creating work for nobody but myself.

Then again, maybe I'm just being a baby. There are a solid few that have stuck with me, and I bloody love them for it. You know who you are ^_~ <3

God dammit why did I have to be a libra? so fucking indecisive!!!

hey, look at this!




I fucking love this song.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

I got in at 4.00am, just woke up now. >_<

Bit of a weird night, I went to a friend's house party and after a while, everyone started getting really emotional... crying and everything...

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm an emotional gal, I mean just yesterday I was bawling at Kermit and miss Piggy getting married in Muppents take manhattan (I..sniff...love that film..) But Jesus guys! It's a frickin party!! ah well, whateverz

I Hope all of you had a great night, however you spent it!

Right, I'm off to bed.. XD

*sigh* aren't friends wonderful

gather round my friends and i'll tell you a story

in January I moved out of my parents house, it was hard but I did it for someone who I would have called my best friend at the time. His brother is an addict and he found the house he was living in unbearable as he was constantly falling off the wagon. he couldnt take it, but he had nowhere to go. I felt like moving on from my parents house, so I decided to move out with him, and another friend

we found a place eventually, it was a shithole, but he loved it and he tended to get upset, and rather abusive when someone disagreed with him on anything. I was afraid, I reeeeeally dont like conflict at ALL! especially with friends, I'm terrible for just keeping my worries inside til I get horrifically depressed, and have panic attacks (I know... dumb). To add to this, I had very little money. He offered to lend me half the deposit so we could move in, I agreed (NEVAR BORROW MONEY FROM "FRIENDS")

It was hard living with him, he's very dramatic, selfish, and plain abusive. every morning I woke up to the same things. His dirty underwear on the bathroom floor, toilet: unflushed, iron: left on, table covered in dinners from nights ago, sink full of his dishes, you get the picture, he was a dirty little fecker. I put up with it, I cleaned every day, had it lovely, and he'd just waltz in with a trail of dirt behind him, and never once noticed I cleaned. (now i know how my mam feels!) He's a musician, and practices for hours everyday, and never once thought to close his bedroom door for us.

I put up with it for months, It was driving me mad that I was struggling to pay the bills, yet he had so much money, he didnt give a damn about the house. or anyone living in it.

So here, my friends, is where I cracked.

as he was cooking his dinner one day, he let a few chips fall on the floor (a regular occurrence, you'll never guess who has to pick them up!) and I asked him to pick them up. he laughed at me and continued to cook his dinner, I asked him again, saying please... I wasnt angry yet... He looked at me, slowly reaching his hand into the bag of chips, he then proceeded to throw a handfull of chips on the floor and continued to cook his dinner.

I took it as a joke. He did that to assure me he would pick them up...right?

next morning... he comes into my room to tell me to make sure to take in the bins (I always take in the bins) I say "yeah sure" he leaves. When I got out of bed, the chips are still there (SURPRISE!!!)

do I need to describe how I felt at this moment?

Normally, one could suggest I leave.

Now here's where the problem sets in. The landlady had told us, if one of us moves out, we all have to move out. I was trapped. no matter what he did to me, If I left, I was automatically the bitch. Because then they'd have to leave too. I just couldn't win

When he got home, I told him I was leaving. He screamed at me, and attacked me from all directions. He called me names, he attacked my dad (who you all know is sick with cancer) my family, everything.
I managed to calm him down, and he apologised, saying he was just being "defensive" not abusive. Me, being the idiot I am, bought it, I forgave him, he promised he'd change.


I then went on my holidays to spain for a week. couldnt really afford it, but hey! I needed a break!

When I got back the floor was covered in dirty laundry, which covered, TA-DAAAAH!, more chips again, plus a range of other surprises, I had to cut a path to my room... Him, upon seeing my disgust, he started again with the abuse, attacking me at every angle. I turned and left, didn't need a case, I'd just got back form the airport after all, and never looked back. I told him it was nothing personal, I still wanted to be friends with him, I just couldn't live with him anymore, I was too depressed. I didn't care anymore, let me be the bitch. I tried my best to keep it amicable, I said I would lie and say I was still living there if the landlady called, There was no reason why I should have really, but I did for a while.

My "friends" stopped talking to me altogether. Fine. I got over it. I was free.

This all happened in mid june



Earlier tonight, their landlady called me, It was v unexpected, I hadn't heard from them at all since I left, didn't even know if they were still there!

She immediately proceeded to shout down the phone "how could you!! I can't believe you! never have I come across such tenants! you never pay your bills! You throw your trash out the window!.... she wen on and on... I was stunned, What the hell do I say??

I told her the truth, I told her I left months ago, That I haven't talked to them since and I have no idea what they're doing with the place.

She's throwing them out, and guess what, It's all my fault.

needless to say I got a heap of abusive text messages from both of them. They got really personal, really low... kind of sick actually. You know when they slag you off for everything you ever told in confidence to them? all that. and all he had to prove he was a GRT friend, was the fact that he lent me money...

*sigh* these are the moments I wish I could just live in a comic or a video game or something ya know... "oh whats that cloud? off to save the world? no need to pay my rent? sounds good to me!"



moral of the story

Friends are shit, final fantasy vii rules



ps. to anyone who actually read this- thanks x